Lifeeeee vent out 1.

Well, i was standing in work today. I just came back from my break and got "yelled at" for not staning IN my register square. I shrugged it off cuz my boss tends to gt bitchy at times. Ohwell. I was trying to finish the damn fish crap she wanted me to do. -.-; I can only multi-task to such a degree.. Then, i stood there thinking about WHY i was so demotivated about eveything... I like to have a bit of power.. I like to be informed about certain thing's... I LIKE being of USE. But no-one takes me seriously. In anything.. I'm being made fun of by a co-worker, and she's trying to get me fired. Eh, fire me, like id give 2 fucks. -.-saves me the time of quiten, and fucks everyone else over trying to find a replacement. I CAN NEVER BE REPLACED. I HAVE MORE WORK-ETHIC THEN MOST 45LBS PRISSY BITCHES. So fuck off!!!!

[GameMaster] Danielle, TWiiZYY

Before I begin, I would like to apologize to Adam, Sorry that I put all the blame onto you before. I've just been under a lot of pressure, and I snapped.

[Name]: Danielle De Groat.

[IGN]: TWiiZYY.

[Age]: 20; May 30, 1990.

[Time Zone]: EST.

[Email]: xDWTCx@live.com

[Position]: Game Master.

[Brief description of yourself]: Fun, easy-going, I can be a real people-person, Know how to be serious when needed.

[Experience]: I was a GM for a good 6months on CitrixMS.

[Why should we choose you?]: You should choose me because, I know what i'm doing and I understand the responsibility behind being a GameMaster. I also play at times when there are no current GM's online, so it would be good once the server becomes populated. From experience you may notice that at time's I can have a short temper but i'm working on making myself better.. But I now believe personal issues should be separated from gaming life. I could help player's in need Or even a fellow GM, If needed. I know how to use Photoshop, If the server ever needed something i'd be glad to help out in that way. I'm easily reachable even if i'm at work. If you needed me to come on I could see what id be able to work out and I'd be here almost 24 hours a day from fri.-sun., since these are my days off.

I'm easily flexible, highly organized, and a bit dysfunctional. But who isn't! (:P) As i said, I can be VERY serious if the time/situation calls for it. Please, If you need to ask me anything else, Please PM me, or contact me via MSN. :]

Again, to Adam. I'm sorry.

Going away list.

Thing's I shall take with me when I leave..:

- Pet's..:

-Both fish tank's.

-Cat.

-1 hamster.

- Both Betta's.

-Large scale Items.

-1 Cabinet ( Large enough for the fishtank.)

-Bed

-Wooden desk I made.

-night stand.

-Smaller Scale Items.

-Fan.

-Lamp.

-t.v.

-ALL Cat, Fish, Hamster supplies.

-Personal Affect's.

-All clothing that I need/want.

-Laptop

-cellphone

-backpack's full of books/note's

MUST BUY'S:

-New Under's.

-New Tank's.

-New Bed Sheet's.

-New SOCK'S.

Etc..

Must DO's..:

-Setup a bank account.

-BECOME RESPONSIBLE. (With money mostly...)

-Try and lose weight?..

-Work More/Harder.

..Find someone to be with?...

all for now....

To Chris, I you ever see this..

See, i know this guy and I was nd still is madly in love with him.. On the inside im dieing.. On the out I look like I am.. The truth is that I just cant ind another guy out there like him and i prolly never will... I miss my big teddy bear so muuch...

This is a letter i wrote..

Dear Chris...,

Please read this all.. It would mean alot to me if you did.. Thankyou...

Dear Chris,

It's August 25th, 2010. Almost a year since ive even talked to you or heard you're voice.. I know you said you basicly didnt want anything to do with me anymore.. But.. I've been trying so damn hard to let go of you... but it's just to hard for me.. Everytime i do something.. It reminds me of you, I cant listen to any music without thinking about you.. You're picture always comes up on my comp.. You said to get rid of it but i just didnt have the heart to do it.. It hurts so much.. I know youve said you've moved on.. but i you can ind it in your heart o please give me a chance..

The reason I stopped calling was that.. I was affraid of calling, nd youre mom allways answering the phone.. I was just scared.. And i heard the way she talked to you Chris.. I didn't want that to happen.. I so sorry or just abandoing you like that.. I truly am..I deeply wish ou may orgive me or ever doing that to you.. I just didnt want you getting hurt from your mom like that, from the bottom o my heart... PLEASEEE Forgive me...

I.. was going thru some old wrightings I did nd i found a piece about you...

".....my mom saw chris.. I miss him like hell.. just thinking about it now makes me wish i was home, i cant fucking tke it anymore aeriously.. i wish i could be with him right now instead of being here in italy somewhat.. I just want to be able to be with him for a while, maybe just 2weeks.. its all i ask for.. i know im with someone, but the way i feel about chris is different, i look at his picture and i .. i just feel horrible for never calling him when i said i would always.. it make me wonder how many days he ha the phone with him, waiting for that phonecall, the houhgt only just kills me inside, the thought of disapointing him so much.. i wish i could just be there with him when i got home.. i hate myself for not being there.. This is the fucking reason i hate the way i am, being so god damn .. sensetive.. always needing someone, i cant a week being single cuz of how emotional i am, i need that arm to cry on when im down, chris is the most sensetive guy i know.. Im his teddybear... and hes my big baby.. i wish i could just sit here in his arms.. Even just the thought alone makes me feel empty inside like i know im alone here.. theresnothing i can do, i just wish i had somebody with me right now.. i need a comferting talk with someone.. tonight im contemplateing calling chris.. i just.. really do hope hes home when i do call... '

And..-

"..... meeting chris tho.. back then.. i never had the same feeling as i did now tho.. and still having them now..? i mean its been like 3yrs since iv known him, just about and i may never be able to talk to him again because of me being to affraid to ever call thinking about how much of a bitch his mom is an eveything.. I miss hearing his voice.. his laugh... the one he says everyine thinks is creepy.. i adore it.. i just cant get enoug of him.. his little whine he does... lol, it gets me everytime!!!!! I love him alot, i know i can turn to him whenever i need toand that if he ever needed a shoulder to cry on that i would be there for him whenever he needed me, and he KNOWS that..i will never be able to get over how in love i am with chris.. just the thought of possibly losing him drives me insane i could never handle it.. I LOVE CHRIS SO FUCKING MUUUUUCH!!!!!........."

I, just wanted you to know all of this chris.. I do still really love you, you were the only one to EVER make me feel as wanted as that. I still have an big empty space in my heart just waiting to be filled back up.. I promise anything from this point out would be different forever, I could change for you i you wanted me to, I'd do pretty much almost anything for you Chris...

I Love You...

PS. I you did take you're time to read everything above, thank you..

I really do love you chris.. More than i could ever explain.. And I truly would do anything for you..

Please give me that second chance.... :/

Thought's.

Relationship's..:

What have I learned? That relationship's really suck If you're like me. I'm... I don't know how I should say this, but, I'm different.. I've been threw so much heartache.. to the point where I've just stopped caring.. If it comes around.. then great I guess. But I've just had... not so much luck at all. I can understand to an extent, I'm not the most attractive individual of all.. And I may not look like a softie, but deep inside i am, and i'm just getting more and more tired with each passing day.. So much mental abuse.. I'm on the edge of giving everything i have, up. I just would love to be me, with that special someone.. I hate like... being with someone, but knowing that its only a temporary thing.. I don't do those well.. I need to be with someone knowing they'll always be there for me, forever. A guy that wouldn't lie to me, Someone that would just.. just talk with me.. Even though i'm probably living in my own little dream world.. well.. It is my dream, To just be with someone that accept's me and understand's me.. I sound desperate to you all.. But in a sense, I am.

Why is it that I always have to go through this every single time i end up in some type of 'long-term' "i think he's the one" relationship? It's just like it's never meant to be and there's nothing I can do about it. EVERY time.. I wish I could just feel something REAL, and not be lied to anymore. I hope.. one day it will all just change and It really happens.. I'd smile more, If I just had a reason to..

Life.

I alway's thought my life was defined.., Like i knew exactly what was going to happen to me from the time i was born till my death. But i found myself to be oddly mistaken about that. I never knew because i would always be online that, that would be where I was bound to found love. In the past it was usually like a childish game, finding 'bf' after 'bf'.., till you grow older.. and you start thinking about settling in and finding a meaningful relationship that would last you more than a month. People always talk about how bad online dating and relationships are, but they haven't had the opportunity OR the actual experience of it. You need to let yourself experience it at least once before you should be able to judge it. I've been doing it for years... I've had my "UP'S" my "WAY UP'S" and even the "DOWN'S" and "WAY DOWN'S".

Having an online relationship, is built completely on TRUST.. If you do not trust in each other it will never work in the long run.. If that is what your looking for.

In my personal experience I've been so completely mentally abused, and from the guy i thought i wanted to be with till the day I died.. But i was sadly mistaken. I was abused beyond repair.. although none of it was physical, the damage was there. From the end of that.. it would all be things like 1 day... or a week... half the month..., nothing with any emotion at all...; Then only recently.. have I found something even close.. to a real love.. it has only been a month since I've really only been talking to him, but something really just... clicked about him.. he managed to find a place in my heart, unlike any guy... even from my youngest age... this has just never happened to me before.. i feel like i can just 100% be myself and he'd love it! I asked him... "I never thought of myself as anything special. What did you see in me?.." he said.. "I saw you. As a funny friend first.. then i felt more."

I'm not sure, is it just me? Am i just lucky for once in my life?? Or is this just another heartbreak waiting to happen???

Well, whatever this is for now.. I'm lovin' EVERY second of it.. And i do consider him to be my everything.. He said he'd come with me on my trip to Italy next year.. for 2months.. If we still like each other by the end of the 2months.. we'll be Okay. (:

Intermission Video.

I don't remember if i told you he was moving back to PA., over the summer. which make's it not as bad since i cn rive now.. lol. I just found out that... also, one of his buddies will be moving in with him, so it might be a bit on the awkward side to meet him in pa for the first time. Man, my thought's are running and my mind wont settle!!!! Maybe once i meet him.. It won't be so bad! (: I'm way to excited to. I haven't been this happy since..... I thought i was in love for the first time ever. >_>; Well... I love my baby, b., MORE. :D.., and it'll be even better then ever. hehe, especially since i can drive now. :).

thats al for tonight, ill update u soon. :)

My Thoughts of the day.

Im turning 20 in 2 months. But im bound by life to become absolutely nothing, My future stands bleek, and my thoughts are blurring. Living a life with boundary's consumes ones own soul even quicker. Thinking it over this world might not just of been ready.. Or maybe it's the other way around.. maybe i wasn't ready to be here? To.. "Live life to it's fullest.." Im just nothing now.. having nothing to live for, being thought of as just a heep of thrash, my feelings on life hav become slim, and im starting to loose my grip on hope for a better tomorrow. Not really to sure what I should be doing from here on... but i guess i just have to take it a step at a time, and being alone don't really help you in this world.. I don't get along well with others and my emotions are almost shot, so relationships don't really hold well with me at all.. I know my ultimate destiny lays in being all alone and dieing that way, so I guess I'm going to have to slowly just.. live with that fact... because i know I don't mean anything to this world..

As i sit here and tell you this, I do surely keep the thought of suicide tucked deep in the back of my mind, but no-one really cares if i go, so what..? I actually hope it makes everyone feel guilty, that maybe, just maybe if they had attempted to care, this could of been prevented.. and it just haunt them for the rest of there lives. My "parents" mean well, and im sure theyd be bout' the only two people to care about if i was gone or not. Some people might be sad then get over it the next day, but always have that thought in the back of there mind.. "what.. if i just cared that much more.." There's really nothing anyone can do for me.. im a lost cause just dangling on the string of hope.. and well, it looks as if it's starting to break, and I'm kinda losing my grip.. Of course there isn't anythng anyone can do for me... I'm thousands of miles away from anyone Ive ever built up a friendship with..

But in he end they always say.. "It was the thought that counts." Yeah but the actions mean more...

Speak my mind more later.
pce.